Dealing with my trauma was and is not an easy journey. It is not one of those things you can just get over tomorrow or in a few months. Trauma is a never-ending journey that takes a lot of patience and sometimes impromptu interventions. And if it goes untreated for an extended amount of time, it has several negative consequences (I discussed in my last blog). Personally, I was angry at the world for something the world did not cause. I was quick-tempered and quick to lash out when I felt as though people were disrespecting me. You see, signs of disrespect (yelling, the intrusion of personal spaces, profanity, derogatory and curt tones…) were my trigger! Can you imagine how often my days were turned upside down because I had not dealt with my past? Well, let me tell you, many of my young adult days were in constant flight or fight mode.
Eventually, I got to a point in my life to where I wanted to function as a “normal” individual and not a ticking time bomb! I was tired of being an “angry black woman.” I was 100% aware of the potential negatives consequences my temperament could bring to my family lives. I have many things I count as a blessing. I am a mother, a career woman, Chief’s Wife, and I inspire to be a role model for my girls’ and others. You know, we have to get to a point in life where we have to make decisions and not make excuses for our behaviors. When I came to that conclusion, and I thought I had it together, I did not. In 2009 my world turned upside down with the passing of my mother. That was the bottom for me! After her passing, I felt like that year was a blur. I felt numb and apart of me dissociated from the moment. I lived by the minute and despite my family staying “rocklike” for me, I felt hopeless.
Looking back at my life, there were days where I did not know where I was and how I got there. It took many months after her passing to seek therapy because I thought “I would snap out of it.” I was inconsistent with my therapy sessions because I was forced to talk about grief and loss (therapy mentally and emotionally exhausted me). I cried for hours and some days following my therapy sessions. Not just because my mom was physically gone, but the loss and abandonment I felt as a child (those two go hand in hand) were never addressed appropriately. The one person who had all the answers to my many questions were no longer able to answer those questions. I somehow felt incomplete. As a young adult, my childhood was a constant thought that I pushed to the back of my head because I was raised to negate the fact I was hurting, emotionally and mentally. I somehow learned to deal with it as though my trauma never existed. I was never to question the why, how and what. But after living a life that was not healthy and purposeful, I changed my thought process and asked… “do I want to live this way forever?”
As a young adult (even now, sometimes), I question the why, how and what because I feel I have a right to know why I was dealt a shitty hand. As a mother myself; I strive to be the best mother ever! And I cannot imagine giving my children anything but the best of me. As a military spouse and mother raised in less than favorable conditions, I have met issues coping with my past while growing as an adult. Not to mention merely maintaining life through my husband’s dynamic, demanding military career. One thing about trauma, the memory of events that happen in life never go away; I just learned to handle it positively by seeking therapy, practicing self-care and self-love, and surrounding myself around like-minded individuals.
God placed three beautiful women (the only women who I admire more than anything) in my life that somewhat compensated for what I missed as a child. The women taught me how to love unconditionally; how to seek God and never give up on my dreams (she’s my hype girl); how to dream big (college and career goals). They took me in and provided me with the essential things I needed to become the woman I am today. Each person in your life serves a purpose. There is also a purpose you are in someone’s life. What is your purpose? How do you plan to use your purpose for good?
Thank you for taking the time to visit my page. Connect with me; please leave a comment, like, share and email me.
You are resilient! Stay encouraged!