Anger Management: Helping Children Manage Anger

Let me just say, my young child comes with a lot of uncontrolled anger! She has definitely tested my “hood” characteristics, lol… frequently and on many occasions.  Therefore, I am practicing what I preach (as a therapist), day in and out!
But, at some point or another, we have all felt angry. Some may consider anger an unhealthy emotion, when in fact it is a healthy and common emotion. Most hate the feeling of lack of control, in the aftermath of an angry outburst, or interaction. When I hear someone say they are angry, I typically will explore with them to help them identify what’s behind their anger.  Often times, anger is a result of pain, hurt, betrayal, etc. It can be trauma-driven, a reminder of a painful life lesson, pet peeves, or an issue-driven home from birth. Those are all acceptable feelings and it is important to understand anger’s possible positive effects, recognize personal anger and maintain composure when dealing with anger.  Uncontrolled anger can have an impact on physical health, mental health and relationships.
Children face a great deal of stress and peer/parental conflict.  Children are learning to figure out who they are and where they fit in.  Helping children manage their anger takes practice on their part but also takes a lot of modeling on the parent’s behalf. This is a huge social responsibility to teach as children are learning to interact with society, through example and guidance from parents and loved ones.
A young girl standing on a crosswalk. Her shirt says, Future Leader

1. Establish A Healthy Relationship

Having a healthy relationship consists of trust and effective communication with your children.  Children are typically responsive when they feel heard and understood. Building and maintaining this rapport is essential for growth. Children trust their parents to guide and support them, as a result, give them the tools they need to manage their anger.  When healthy relationships are established, parents are more apt to identify early warning signs of anger or triggers.  In the event, parents are able to help children recognize anger signs, such as clenched teeth or fist, change in tone or voice, breathing, facial expression, etc.  Click this link to read strategies I use to build an authentic relationship with my children

2. Create Anger Rules For Your Home (or anywhere for that matter)

More recently, I have been given the opportunity to teach my youngest child the opportunity to explore healthy boundaries with her anger.  She and I have created anger rules for our home and also in public (stores, dance studio, soccer games, etc.).  One of the rules her and I have created is to never try and reason with one another when we feel angry.  Reasoning while angry is absolutely a loss; losing situation and a disaster waiting to happen. If my child insists on engaging in that anger battle, I will simply walk away.  Together, you and your child can identify what constitute acceptable behaviors when they are angry and what won’t be tolerated.

3. Teach Assertiveness Skills

Teaching your child how to use their words teaches assertiveness skills and respect. This may include putting a name to a feeling or if the child is young, use a feeling chart to help the child identify and learn different feelings.  “I Feel Statements” are an awesome tool to helps with assertiveness skills. Assertiveness skills help decreases blame and conflict because “I” statements focus on how the child views a situation or how the situation made the child feel.  A simple and clear example of an “I” statement for young children is I feel___ because___.

4. Teach and Practice Coping Strategies

Coping strategies are one of the best assets to help manage anger.  If you research coping strategies, you will find thousands of strategies and de-escalation techniques. When working with families, I love to provide a copy of 99 Coping Skills.  I work with the child and/or the parent to help decipher at least 10 coping strategies.  For younger children, you can teach elevator breathing, mindfulness and imagery.  Younger children can also use coloring, music, singing and puzzles as coping strategies.  Coping strategies must be practiced daily for them to be effective.  Telling a child to breathe at the moment of anger will not be as successful as if the child has learned and practiced the coping strategies.  Coping strategies are meant to be used prior to a child getting to the point of no return.  

5. Be A Good Role Model

The best teacher for your child is you! Be aware of your anger! If you are yelling, destroying and hitting things when you’re angry, guess what? Your child will learn those same behaviors until they learn something different (from someone else). Before you can teach any of the above strategies, you must have practiced them for yourself. If you are unaware of your anger and genuinely interested in awareness, ask a close family member or friend to provide insight.  Or pay attention to your own behavior (keep a note of your triggers and reactions). You can model for your children how to express anger in a controlled manner and teach them how to assertively advocate for themselves. Remember as the parent you set the tone for your home.
As always, if you notice that your child experiences uncontrolled anger often, do consider seeking professional help for both you and your child. Do you need mental health and lifestyle resources? Be sure to follow me on FB, I share a lot of mental health and lifestyle resources.
Finding ways to manage anger is the work of a lifetime. Let me know… What has or has not worked for you and your family? Do you struggle with managing you or your child’s anger? If you have questions about helping children manage their anger, share them in the comment section.  Or send me an email.
With love, Tren
 

28 Comments

  1. coachkanikafindingabetteryou

    June 5, 2019 at 12:39 AM

    Very thoughtful and supreme content for parents…thanks for sharing

  2. Kitty Katie

    June 5, 2019 at 7:35 AM

    These are some amazing tips! I remember struggling with managing my anger when I was a child. I will definitely be saving these tips for my little nephew who has been struggling lately.

  3. christyk3

    June 5, 2019 at 9:08 AM

    Great tips! I especially need to work on trying to reason when my child is angry. That is definitely useless, and it just makes us both feel worse!

    1. Tren B.

      June 18, 2019 at 8:23 PM

      I am glad you found the tips helpful. Thanks for visiting!

  4. Alex

    June 5, 2019 at 10:18 AM

    I really enjoyed your post! My favorite tip on your post is teaching assertiveness. It helps children have a voice for their emotions and encourages them to use their words. Love this!

  5. Nathan Smith

    June 5, 2019 at 2:19 PM

    I will say I definitely could have benefited from assertiveness lessons! I always thought that I was being mean if I asserted myself, and I wish I’d known the difference better when I was a kid. Thaks for sharing!

    1. Tren B.

      June 18, 2019 at 8:24 PM

      Thanks Nathan for visiting!

  6. Dee

    June 5, 2019 at 3:27 PM

    Tip 5 – being a good role model is so true….thanks for sharing.

  7. Krisy

    June 6, 2019 at 4:29 AM

    Omg yes this is really helpful! We really should be with our kids and teach them everything while they are still young.

    1. Tren B.

      June 18, 2019 at 8:26 PM

      Yes, we should help them build the foundation while they are young. When the become adults, it is their responsibility to maintain the foundation. Thanks for visiting.

  8. K from Kronicles

    June 6, 2019 at 4:30 AM

    Omg yes! This is really really helpful. I think we should be with our kids and teach them everything while they’re still young.

  9. starka2004

    June 6, 2019 at 8:10 AM

    I love the idea of Anger Rules! Having that predetermined set of boundaries sounds so helpful when a child is feeling out of control with their emotions. Thanks, Candice @littlestepsbighappy.com

    1. Tren B.

      June 18, 2019 at 8:27 PM

      Thank you for visiting. It is trial and error. Some anger rules may or may not work.

  10. tcleland88

    June 6, 2019 at 8:11 PM

    I see so many angry children in my classroom. Many of these strategies can be adapted for use at school. I like the idea of having anger rules and a plan in place for those children who just can’t control their emotions.

    1. Tren B.

      June 18, 2019 at 8:28 PM

      Yes, it is a good idea to teach and implement the anger rules well in advance. Bc as you know, when one is angry irrational thinking sets in. Thanks for visiting.

  11. onehoppymomma

    June 6, 2019 at 8:16 PM

    The strategy of setting anger rules is such a great idea. I think it will help so that arguments don’t spiral out if control and we can teach an element of controlling ourselves in a situation.

    1. Tren B.

      June 18, 2019 at 8:29 PM

      Absouletly! Thanks for visiting.

  12. Foodie Finds Home

    June 23, 2019 at 1:30 PM

    Managing anger is so important for children to learn. Particularly military children as things can become so frustrating so quickly. I love all the things you listed here, but setting anger rules was something that I hope to implement in our home. We are prominent communicators, but sometimes in the heat of the moment, communication isn’t feasible. It’s more about letting that person calm down first.

    1. Tren B.

      June 28, 2019 at 9:52 AM

      Absolutely. I love that you acknowledge areas where growth is needed. It seems as though you have all the tools to implement anger management skills.

  13. Streamed TV Fan

    July 12, 2019 at 1:13 PM

    Fantastic tips. I have got one vey sulky child who retreats into himself, while the other shouts back. These tips will hopefully help with both.

    1. Tren B.

      July 13, 2019 at 6:58 PM

      Parenting is definitely a tough job. Every child is so different. We have to find what works for each. Thanks for visiting 💛

  14. Janay

    July 26, 2019 at 8:02 AM

    Dealing with a teenager will definitely test your hood lol. I loved all of these tips especially be a good role model! That’s very important

  15. KP

    August 29, 2019 at 8:46 PM

    It is so true that children these days have a lot of things that cause them stress and frustration ultimately it can lead to anger. The following link has be a great resource for my family and I. https://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/teenagers/ask/control-my-anger/

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